you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
