Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
