HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
