I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
