I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
