It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
