I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
