I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
