I can text with my tongue
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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