I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
