Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
