someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
