party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
just found out that she named her cat after me.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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