at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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