I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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