1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
