I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
