My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
