When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
