how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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