Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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