I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
