Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
