Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
