just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize