I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
