I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
True strength comes from lack of pants
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
