dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
