I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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