woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize