i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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