I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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