I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize