Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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