When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
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