Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
