So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
