I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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