i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
