You kept calling me your small dog last night.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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