Your face is a jimmy john
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
