i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
