Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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