the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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