Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
