How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
