i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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