I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
