i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize