My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
