i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
