I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
