I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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