Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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