true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
