when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
