you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
