Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
